My 10-year-old son Aaron has some unanswered questions for Santa that have left him distraught to the point of considering seeking remuneration for emotional and psychological damage.
Dear Santa,
1. How do you fit all those gifts in one bag?
2. Do you ever get sick from eating all those cookies?
3. How do you make the toys without being sued for copyright and trademark infringement?
4. How come none of my gifts ever say "from Santa"?
5. How do you get your bag down the chimney?
6. How come every Santa I take a picture with looks different?
7. When I saw you at Petco yesterday, why did you look like a woman dressed as you, and who were you texting?
8. How come they never pick up your workshop on radar?
9. How do you avoid setting off alarms in homes with security systems?
and lastly,
10. Do you know every language on earth?
I would ask you how you manage to deliver all those gifts in one night, but I figured out that has to do with a time dilation machine, which I suppose technically could be defined as "magic" by certain lawyers, but I feel a little bit condescended to when you tell me it's magic.
I also figured out why you never run behind schedule at the north pole. If you ever are behind, you just move back a time zone or two by stepping backwards.
Sincerely,
Aaron Vanderschuit
P.S. Any withholding of any owed holiday cheer or "naughty listing" will result in my exposing you as a fraud and a cheat (however, answering the above questions will go a long way toward avoiding such a lawsuit).
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