My Dad's Memorial

At my dad’s memorial on December 15, 2009, all of his kids told of our memories of our dad as slides from his storied life played on the stage wall behind us. Carl shared his poignant memories as the firstborn. David sang and drummed a stunning medley of Navajo songs. Kerry shared and included the poem “i carry your heart with me” by e.e. cummings—a special connection she, my mother, and my dad shared. I shared my memories of my dad, particularly surrounding him being the football coach for me and others in attendance. I included the story of the miracles surrounding his passing including playing a song on the harp I providentially received the morning after his passing. Lastly I sang and played “Here Comes the Sun” and my dad’s beloved “Let It Be a Dance” before handing the mic over to my dad’s friend Don Byrd, who sang “You’ve Got a Friend,” followed by other attendees stepping forward and sharing their memories.

What about Michael? Being the third born, he spoke between David and Kerry. As I said at the memorial, he has become sort of a repository (I jokingly said “or is it suppository?”) of my dad’s humorous sayings. Fittingly, he shared an imaginary story of a day in the life incorporating as many of my dad’s humorous sayings as he could. It is a real gem, and I present it below for your enjoyment. I know my dad loved for people to happily remember him this way, and our rejoicing at him being set free in the blessed afterlife. Here is Michael’s contribution toward that.

[Michael:] You know, my father has influenced me in many ways. What seems to have impacted me most is his sense of humor through his many sayings, for which my brother Blaine coined the term, “Dadisms.” Some were designed to diffuse a tense situation, other times just to make you grin, laugh, or roll your eyes. Many of these I have heard so many times that they are now a part of me, thoroughly ingrained, and I find myself using them therefore on a daily basis with my wife and kids especially, and in doing so his legacy endures. Here is an example...

This morning when I woke up, I went and stood in front of the mirror and I said, “Boy, I can’t wait until tomorrow, because I get better looking every day!” I then proceeded to comb my hair with a stick. For breakfast, I had some frozen waffles with Karo syrup, carob chips, then had some Cheerios, Shredded Wheat with wheat germ, and nonfat milk. My son John didn’t finish eating his food, so I told him “Eat it or wear it.”

I blew my nose to make sure my horn works, then I checked my lights and said to my son, “Saddle up! It’s time to get going, because when the going gets tough, the tough get going.”

I made sure before we left that we had everything…“Let’s see, I got my keys, my wallet, my watch, my spectacles, my testicles, OK then. Onwards and upwards! Pilot to co-pilot: Lights on? Check! Flaps down? Check! Gear up? Check! 3-2-1, Blast-off! Hi-ho Silver, Away!”

On our our way, somebody rudely cut us off in rush hour traffic, and I said, “Ach du lieber poopendecker! Hey sweet lips! The circus left town, you horse's ***, so shape up or ship out, sheep dip. You knucklehead! Nevertheless, we shall continue!”

Along the way, I saw some cows grazing in a large open pasture, and I said, “Look at all those funny looking horses! Good God! Those have got to be some of the fattest horses I ever did see! Maybe the rancher should corral them up before they eat so much—they might just explode!”

When we arrived at our destination, I pulled up along side the curb until I bumped into it, and said, “Braille system, it works every time.” Then I said, “All ashore that’s going ashore.” When I stepped out of the car, I tripped over the seat belt and fell to the ground and proclaimed, “It’s the first mistake I ever made! What can I say…the wind was in my eyes and the sun was against me (or is it the sun was in my eyes and the wind was against me?).
[Ed. Note: Dad said it backwards on purpose so we could all see how cheesy excuses are. –Blaine]

Then I said to my son, “Don’t just stand there, get on over here and help me up before I get angry and give you a left cross, a right cross, time to call the Red Cross, hope you have Blue Cross!” As my son helped me up, he mimicked, “Hey Dad, for the nine millionth time, you bobbed when you should have weaved!” I said, “That’s it, you are now on my **** list! John John the dog-faced boy! He walks, he talks, he drinks his own bathwater, he chews the hair off his own kneecaps!”

“Hey son, did you see where I left my sunglasses?” He said, “They are on your head, Dad!” I responded, “I told you so!” and continued, “Aye aye, Matey! Avast! Shiver me timbers, lower the bloody blooming bloom, and swab the poop deck, or I’ll make you walk the plank!”

When we arrived for the luncheon, I declared, “I hope they have some salad,” and John replied, “What kind of salad, Dad?” I said, “You know…tuna salad, chicken salad, egg salad, potato salad, macaroni salad, etc., etc.” And wouldn’t you know, they did! I ate everything in sight, just about, just like my dad, “Waste King Warren!” “Hey, are you going to eat that? Heck yeah!” I said. “Right arm! Farm out! More power to ya!”

You know, the other day, I was talking to my one-legged girlfriend, and I said, “Peg! Hop on over here! Could you pull my finger, please? Did you hear that? Crapaho Arapaho, the natives are restless! Who’s kid is that?” It’s just me dad.

Hey Du Shvinehoondt! Crying here ist verboten! You vill be happy or vee will shoot you! Vander Schuit you even!

Hostual Millitus, Dad!